I like to drink. I like to come home after a long day and sit on my back porch with a Jim Beam and Coke and watch the sun go down. I like to sit around a fire with my friends and sip on Black Velvet. I guess you could say 99 percent of the time I’m a pretty civil and responsible drinker. It’s that other one percent of the time that gets me in trouble.
Anyone who’s been drinking for any number of years has had at least one of those days…or weekends. Yep, one of those times when being a responsible and productive member of society just wasn’t on the menu that night. What WAS on the menu was getting so drunk so fast that the night started with you puking up that pizza before you could even wipe the marinara off your face from eating it. That same night ended with you passing out mid-stroke on top of some Marlboro smoking bar fly who was nice enough to drive you home but as she left relieved you of your wallet and Sony Playstation as payment for you puking in her Firebird.
As ugly as these nights are, they are indeed necessary. They remind us just how much of a degenerate we can be and who our real friends are. Over the years, I’ve had several of these nights. Strangely enough, they all seemed to coincide with me discovering some new-fangled way to get alcohol into my body as quickly as possible. Today I’m going to share with you the tools of my self-destruction. Trust me, the things on this list will get you completely bent.
As always, I swear that I have personally tried everything I am about to tell you. I must also add that all of the things you are about to read were performed by professional alcoholics or in the company of professional alcoholics. The Drunk Pirate recommends you do not try this at home.
The Beer Bong
I had my first run-in with the dreaded beer bong in Mexico. The thing about a beer bong that’s dangerous is that the tendency is to take turns. If you’re in a small group chances are you’ll be funneling a Bud Light every five minutes. Do that for an hour and you’ll be drunker than Cooter Brown.
This is actually something I came up with one day hanging out by the pool. I had all this Corona one day but no limes. What I did have was a whole bottle of Bacardi Limon. Here’s how it works. Open a Corona and drink it down until the neck of the bottle is empty. Fill the neck with the Bacardi and Viola! Corona so potent the wino who lives in the alley next to your house won’t drink it. Drink a sixer of these and you’re on your way to waking up naked in your neighbor’s yard.
The Long Island Iced Tea
This drink is loathed by bartenders the world over. Mainly because none of them can remember exactly what goes in it. However, even the dumbest of bartenders know that there are at least 5 shots in a Long Island Iced Tea. Vodka, Tequila, Gin, Rum, Triple Sec, bitters, and Coke. Yep, the gang’s all here. The trick to the long island is to get the bartender to make it so strong you can see through it. If you follow my directions on how to tip your bartender, the Long Island Iced Tea will have you laughing at the ground in no time.
Drink Through a Straw
I have absolutely no scientific explanation for why drinking alcohol through a straw gets you drunk so fast. It just does. Now granted there’s no way in hell to look cool drinking out of a straw. But if you go to a bar and order a Jack and Coke, ask for a straw. Not the little red stirring straw that comes in in the drink, a big honkin’ McDonalds straw. Start sucking your drinks up through one of those things and you’ll be invisible in about half an hour.
Parrot Bay Rum and Gatorade
I learned about this little ditty from a couple of hood rats who used to hang around my group of friends. We’ve all known these girls. They’re the ones who show up to a party at 8 pm totally hammered and totally lez out with each other by the end of the night. How the hell they came up with this drink is beyond me, but trust me when I tell you what this fruity drink lacks in alcohol content it more than makes up for in speed. The Gatorade helps the Parrot Bay make a B-line into your bloodstream thus rendering you clinically retarded in about 30 minutes.
Drink without eating
This method has been the bane of my existence on several occasions. Actually, I’d have to say this is the most common cause of drunken assholeness in America. It really doesn’t matter what you drink. Without food in your belly to soak up the alcohol, it is absorbed almost instantly by your stomach and goes straight into your bloodstream.
Be an Indian
We’ve all heard the stereotype about American Indians and their intolerance for Firewater. I’m here to tell you that it’s not a stereotype. Not that I’m Indian or anything, but I have a buddy who’s a card-carrying member of the Creek Indian Tribe, and when he drinks you better put away your good china. It doesn’t matter what he drinks or how much he eats beforehand. My Indian buddy drinking = him breaking stuff.
Absinthe is probably the strangest drunk I’ve ever had. I know there’s this whole debate on what has an effect on you and why when you drink Absinthe. The last time I drank it, I found myself walking around the house at 3 am talking to myself. I did that for about an hour before my wife came downstairs and told me I needed to come to bed.
Oh, Jose Cuervo. You dirty little bastard. Here’s all I’m going to say about Tequila. I don’t remember much about New Years’ Eve 2005. What I do remember is waking up with a sore and “clicking” jaw and a wife who refused to speak to me the entire day. I’ve been banned from drinking Jose Cuervo, or any kind of tequila for that matter, since that night.
So there you have it. A few of the things that have reminded me of my caveman ancestry on more than one occasion.