I like to drink. I like to come home after a long day and sit on my back porch with a Jim Beam and Coke and watch the sun go down. I like to sit around a fire with my friends and sip on Black Velvet. I guess you could say 99 percent of the time I’m a pretty civil and responsible drinker. It’s that other one percent of the time that gets me in trouble.
Anyone who’s been drinking for any number of years has had at least one of those days…or weekends. Yep, one of those times when being a responsible and productive member of society just wasn’t on the menu that night. What WAS on the menu was getting so drunk so fast that the night started with you puking up that pizza before you could even wipe the marinara off your face from eating it. That same night ended with you passing out mid-stroke on top of some Marlboro smoking bar fly who was nice enough to drive you home but as she left relieved you of your wallet and Sony Playstation as payment for you puking in her Firebird.
As ugly as these nights are, they are indeed necessary. They remind us just how much of a degenerate we can be and who our real friends are. Over the years, I’ve had several of these nights. Strangely enough, they all seemed to coincide with me discovering some new-fangled way to get alcohol into my body as quickly as possible. Today I’m going to share with you the tools of my self-destruction. Trust me, the things on this list will get you completely bent.
As always, I swear that I have personally tried everything I am about to tell you. I must also add that all of the things you are about to read were performed by professional alcoholics or in the company of professional alcoholics. The Drunk Pirate recommends you do not try this at home.
The Beer Bong
I had my first run-in with the dreaded beer bong in Mexico. The thing about a beer bong that’s dangerous is that the tendency is to take turns. If you’re in a small group chances are you’ll be funneling a Bud Light every five minutes. Do that for an hour and you’ll be drunker than Cooter Brown.
This is actually something I came up with one day hanging out by the pool. I had all this Corona one day but no limes. What I did have was a whole bottle of Bacardi Limon. Here’s how it works. Open a Corona and drink it down until the neck of the bottle is empty. Fill the neck with the Bacardi and Viola! Corona so potent the wino who lives in the alley next to your house won’t drink it. Drink a sixer of these and you’re on your way to waking up naked in your neighbor’s yard.
The Long Island Iced Tea
This drink is loathed by bartenders the world over. Mainly because none of them can remember exactly what goes in it. However, even the dumbest of bartenders know that there are at least 5 shots in a Long Island Iced Tea. Vodka, Tequila, Gin, Rum, Triple Sec, bitters, and Coke. Yep, the gang’s all here. The trick to the long island is to get the bartender to make it so strong you can see through it. If you follow my directions on how to tip your bartender, the Long Island Iced Tea will have you laughing at the ground in no time.
Drink Through a Straw
I have absolutely no scientific explanation for why drinking alcohol through a straw gets you drunk so fast. It just does. Now granted there’s no way in hell to look cool drinking out of a straw. But if you go to a bar and order a Jack and Coke, ask for a straw. Not the little red stirring straw that comes in in the drink, a big honkin’ McDonalds straw. Start sucking your drinks up through one of those things and you’ll be invisible in about half an hour.
Parrot Bay Rum and Gatorade
I learned about this little ditty from a couple of hood rats who used to hang around my group of friends. We’ve all known these girls. They’re the ones who show up to a party at 8 pm totally hammered and totally lez out with each other by the end of the night. How the hell they came up with this drink is beyond me, but trust me when I tell you what this fruity drink lacks in alcohol content it more than makes up for in speed. The Gatorade helps the Parrot Bay make a B-line into your bloodstream thus rendering you clinically retarded in about 30 minutes.
Drink without eating
This method has been the bane of my existence on several occasions. Actually, I’d have to say this is the most common cause of drunken assholeness in America. It really doesn’t matter what you drink. Without food in your belly to soak up the alcohol, it is absorbed almost instantly by your stomach and goes straight into your bloodstream.
Be an Indian
We’ve all heard the stereotype about American Indians and their intolerance for Firewater. I’m here to tell you that it’s not a stereotype. Not that I’m Indian or anything, but I have a buddy who’s a card-carrying member of the Creek Indian Tribe, and when he drinks you better put away your good china. It doesn’t matter what he drinks or how much he eats beforehand. My Indian buddy drinking = him breaking stuff.
Absinthe is probably the strangest drunk I’ve ever had. I know there’s this whole debate on what has an effect on you and why when you drink Absinthe. The last time I drank it, I found myself walking around the house at 3 am talking to myself. I did that for about an hour before my wife came downstairs and told me I needed to come to bed.
Oh, Jose Cuervo. You dirty little bastard. Here’s all I’m going to say about Tequila. I don’t remember much about New Years’ Eve 2005. What I do remember is waking up with a sore and “clicking” jaw and a wife who refused to speak to me the entire day. I’ve been banned from drinking Jose Cuervo, or any kind of tequila for that matter, since that night.
So there you have it. A few of the things that have reminded me of my caveman ancestry on more than one occasion.
Sauce Man says
First time drinking tequila was on the votec bus sophomore year in high school, drank 16 oz on the way there passed on a girl’s backpack on the way back. Happy drinking
Mr.. 420 says
The empty stomach one is the best way to get drunk the fastest this I know because when I want to get completely wasted that is how I do it and have done it for decades. Also when you want to get drunk fast the best way is the Tequila way, period, and it is a good drunk not a puke drunk, for me anyway. You are also right about how Indians are when they drink, I have had many Indian friends through the years and every single one of them were bad drinkers, but I still love em.
One thing I will add is that there is a trick that I have learned through all my debauchery is that the best way to avoid a hangover NO MATTER HOW DRUNK YOU GET is to make sure you have alka seltzer and a tall glass of water, drink it down with the alka seltzer added just before you got to sleep/pass-out and I promise you if you can keep it down you WILL NOT HAVE A HANGOVER! I have used that for decades and it works!
May God have mercy on your drunken soul and heal you of your hangover quickly!!
I like to drink alcoholic drink.
that being INDIAN comment is bullshit. what ever craker wrote this needs to rethink what they write. Talk about stereotyping. I find it very rude in very inappropriate…. that what makes haters HATE.
“Drink Through a Straw” I can vouch for that, There should be a scientific explanation for that and go for that McDonalds straw, I swear this was the only time i got SO wasted by drinking so little.
PS: don’t use stairs after this, you might end up getting a permanent mark on your forehead. Drink safe guys!
Drink a 6-pack of beer, nothing serious, drink it in 90 minutes. Your body is now ready for the witching hour. Fireball, a shot every 10 minutes. Another 90 minutes of this nonsense will have you grasping the grass in your front yard to keep from falling off the earth. 3 hours, total and you won’t remember your name.
Friendly Neighborhood Alcohol hood says
u get less oxygen when sipping through a straw versus a glass, bottle, or can as well…ur able to fit more booze in one gulp
bill hicks says
The fastest way to get drunk is to fill a turkey baister full of wine. Put some ky on the tip. Insert it into your anal cavity squeeze the wine in there. Then hold it in as long as you can. Do that once and your hammered.
Sip like an old man , beat the first wave, keep sipping
Try the five loko. Get a can of four loko, fruit punch or lemonade preferred. CHUG about half of it, fill it up with vodka, then drink it like you normally would and see if you can make it to the bottom if the can. Extreme alcoholics like me…drink it till its less than half or repeat the first one again. Ive beaten the four loko challenge…now you guys beat the above five loko.
I fucked that bitch up
Good funny reading
Wow, looked this up twice in two years and always find myself at this site! Well means something do you even read these anymore? Lol well I’m drunk thanks for the blog thingy.
Jon Gay says
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I heard that a straw gets you drunk faster, because some of the alcohol residue ends up in your lungs because of the breathing in / sucking while drinking. Since the lungs have such a high surface area, its absorbed almost instantly
The straw thing just happens to get you drunker faster because you don’t notice that you’re drinking faster and bigger mouthfuls. A friend of mine used to have straw three times as big around as a Sonic straw. Needless to say he would get pretty sauced early on in the night.
The reson drinkimg through a straw is that you take no oxygen in which in turn gets u pissed raster
Randy Rico says
I probably read this a little too late and a little too drunk but I loved it . I’m like your lost brother from a great drinking country… Costa Rica
you guys ever here of the porch climber?, one fucked up drink that will knock you on your ass. 1 26oz of absolute vodka, 1 26oz of canadian club, 1 case of beer(Molson Canadian of course) and 2 2liters of rasberry limonade, all mixed in a cooler or something big enough, finsh that shit with 3 of your buddys and your guarranti to pass out on your friends kitchen table, HOAAA STEDDD
I believe the Corona now has a name and it’s loaded Corona, and if you ever get a chance try it with the strawberry Bacardi very good just sayin.
Ahhh…the joys of tequila…my 1st trip to mexico…what a drunken adventure consisting of patron and johnnie walker gold label :)
As to fhe comment about alcohol settling to the bottom…sorry to say but completely false because alcohol is leas dense than water meaning it would float to fhe top.
Although you would tend to drink faster with a straw…and drinking faster=drunk faster.
Also to rhe person who said corona is hardcore stuff…must be a lightweight..lol bc its BEER haha we americans have no alcohol tolerance :p
man.. tequila… yeah it will take u places never explored before… also never remembered.. haha
The straw thing works cuz it goes straight down your neck, and almost instantly into the bloodstream.
alcoholics that cannot drink because there body cannot tolerate it anymore will pour liquor in their anus this way the body absorbs the liquor immidiately and one beer can send you to the hospital :)
Crook II says
Yes I Will Agree On The Tequila, If You Wanna Get Your Head Swole And Drunk Fast Drink Tequila And Salt Shots, A Fav Of Mine For Years But I Do Remember A Night I Drank A fifth Of Cuervo, I Got Out Of My Chair For Pizza, Stood Next To The Refrigerator And Could Not Move From The Side Of The Refrigerator…Yes I Was On My Feet But My Brain Was Stuck In Tequila Mod. I Was The Life Of The Party And My Family Got The Biggest Laugh That Night, Next Morning About 6 Hours Later I Was Functioning As Normal As Before I Started Drinking… Trooper You Can Say..Drink Responsible Drinkers And Enjoy. I Enjoyed All These Stories And I’m Gonna Try Some Of The Ways.
It is indeed correct that when you drink beer with a straw you get drunk faster compared to when you drink beer in a regular way. When creating a vacuum while sucking on the straw, the boiling point of alcohol drops (in normal circumstances 79 degrees Centigrade) and alcohol vapours are created in the straw. These vapours are inhaled in the lungs, and via that way the alcohol gets into the blood much faster than the alcohol that ends up in the stomach by drinking it the normal way.
Moreover, beer gets into the mouth by means of a straw in very narrow jets, as a result of which it has a larger surface in the oral cavity. As a result of this more alcohol can evaporate before it is swallowed. The palate (with a loot of blood circulation inside) already absorbs part of the alcohol vapours. Also this is a shorter way for the alcohol to get into the blood and to make you drunk faster.
When drinking the same amount of beer the effects on one’s health remain the same whether you drink the beer in a normal way or with a straw, provided that one gets drunk faster when drinking with a straw. The total amount of alcohol does not change.
I’m lightweight as shit. Mostly I just drink the fizzy shit. Gets me drunk faster than anything. But you’ve always gotta be careful so that you’re in the middle. Like, if you dont drink enough, its just annoying but if you drink too much, you feel like crap. A couple of weeks ago at a party I had a bottle of Passion Pop, a shot of absinth and a shot of vodka and I was perfect. Best night ever.
The easiest way I found to get drunk but the quit making the good ones was the four lokos with the caffine in em. Two 23 oz of them I woke up naked passed out on the roof still drunk. My friends quit letting me drink them after that lmao. Also beer pong with 4 beer per side will get u twisted
Been there done, jim beam plus heaven hill vodka solves all problems
Drunk on Water says
I get drunk on water. No shit the first time was on a stage in Vegas in a hypnosis show bt then I found this place that teaches you to use self hypnosis to get yourself drunk.. Fantastic!!!
Took another shot…now I can’t feel my extremities…the only reason I’m typing so good is because in on my cell phone and it corrects my fuck ups lol
just throwing this out there…i have a decent tolerance for alcohol..so I figured id check out this post..i tried the holding the alcohol under your tongue thing…Im four shotsdown and tried it..itook one more shot with it under my tongue…I’m now so drunk I can’t fiction properly..great tip man lmfao
Ben JG says
So glad I found this site!!!
Hi I just want to say that I am indian and I drink EVERYONE I know under the table >.< I dot know why and I hate it because sometimes I just want to hammered … But that hardly ever happens :(. But I do think that most Indians don't tolerate there alcohol as well as most people… Then again maybe it is not them but what they are drinking?
drinking through a straw causes you to drink more of the alcohol that has sunk to the bottom of your drink over time, thus you get drunk faster using it
Hilarious!!!!… I want to get wasted like the movie the hangover and I think I’ll take up the offer of the Gatorade and Parriots Bay.. Gonna coat my stomach with corn syrup 1st though thanks alot for the info…
If yu want to take a notch down amf’s but instead of half of each liquor a shot of every that it takes if yu drink one every 10 to 15 for a hour yull be feeling it real good these are tha ingredients a shot of each remember .. tequila , gin , vodka , rum , blue coracoa 1 oz sweat and sour 1 oz 7up
5 shots every 10 minutes .. tequila guaranteed in a hour yur turfed
Hey! I absolutely loved your post! I’ve been looking for ways to get my friend drunker faster because he has a high tolerance for the stuff. I hope 2 get him to try all of these options and if anyone else has any advice for him that would be greatly appreciated! :D
mann the mutt says
that’s some cracken shit dude, I remember the last time I drank without eating I was home from FORT Bragg, NC and I was at my moms house drinking absolute with some friends, all i remember after that is my mom waking me up the next evening telling me that i pissed on max the family dog, I was 2 thru!
Drinking through a straw results in more rapid intoxication because the suction in your mouth causes alcohol to be absorbed through the soft membranes in your tongue which have a more direct passage to bloodstream in comparison to your stomach.
All this nonsense about straws making you drink faster is rubbish, nonsensical and illogical.
As a big corona fan I shall be trying your cocktail over the festive season.
I also have my own similar… Desperado tequila flavoured beer drink just lower than the neck then add lemon vodka and add salt around the lip of the bottle and down. 5-7 later and you are on your ass crying for more.
@ Deano – You probably have the neatest writing and best punctuation for a “hammered” person I’ve ever seen.
Right now im hammered as fuck so im suprised if u cunts can even read this post. Real good advise mate, i will try the carona thing some time soon. And i dont care what anyone thinks on whether grog stays on the bottom or top when drinking through a straw, either way it gets u smashed faster than fuck.
Hey! Cool site, but I think I have one that gets you pissed quicker than any of those :P. When you have a mouthfull of alcohol, swish it around your mouth and then put it underneath your tongue, where all the veins are. This allows more alcohol to enter your blood. It’s best with spirits, but it sorta works with other drinks.
as i read your post i kept being reminded of myself.. only thing i havent tried was the spiked corona.. thats goin on my “to do list”.. only thing different was i owned the beer bong and id load it for ya then take one myself.. move on to the next.. at a larger party with 20-50 people.. that can make for an interesting night if you plan to bong a beer with all your buds lol personal best is 24 milwaukee best ice in 10 minutes.. half hour later your floored :D
I read that the ‘straw method’ gets you drunk faster because some of the alcohol ends up in the lungs where it instantly is absorbed by the bloodstream.
Colin Sich Tewark says
Similar to the potent Long Island Iced Tea, this drink ups the ante one (or more). This is a six shot concoction consisting of equal parts of vodka, triplesec, jack, yukon jack, SoCo, and peach shnapps. Add a splash of cran and 7up and shake. Top with a few cherries for fruitiness effect. You’ve just created a ‘Virus’. The phenomenon is that you’ll look up from your drink and find that many folk in your favorite watering hole have now ordered this drink. It will have successfully spread like…. A VIRUS!!
The potentcy of ‘TheVirus Method’ comes from the AAPP (amount of alcohol per pint) value and its good taste. You’ll naturally drink it faster and want more of it! There’s also an added macho factor where manly challenges are made to drink a certain number of these ‘sissy drinks’ without affect. Rookies always end up apologizing the next day for weeks following!
Once you’ve mastered ‘The Virus’, as I have, try the ‘Red Plague’. It’s a ‘regular’ Virus topped with a shot of 151 proof rum.
ENJOY, and bring a designated driver!!
Say What says
I don’t know what Laura was drinking but the massive alcohol content does not settle at the bottom. If anything it rises to the top. This is because alcohol has a lower density than water. The reason a straw gets you drunk faster is because it allows you to drink more alcohol faster. This is why there is an invention called the beer bong. It’s purpose is to allow you to ingest massive amounts of alcohol in a short period of time so that you get drunker quicker. Same thing with the straw it’s just on a shorter scale. If you want to get drunk fast, drink whatever Laura is drinking. It must be good stuff.
mike hunt says
mike i loved it when u /fucked me in the ass with my nuts in your hand …hope you remember
The reason drinking through a straw helps you get drunk faster is that the massive alchohol content settles at the bottom. While I had a Long Island Iced Tea which is mostly alchohol– the shots that are in it shift around the ice, splash of coke, and sour mix, the alchohol does shift toward the bottom.
Since it settles at the bottom you get to the alchohol faster with a straw drinking from bottom to top than from traditional sipping from top to bottom.
I am very happy that I found your blog. Keep up the good work.
Yeah, phone was stolen by a bunch of hippies around a bonfire last weekend. Phones are a big no-no when drinking…
This is directed to everyone; when you go drink to get fucked, make sure that you turn your cell off and leave it with someone else. I was at a party a few days ago, drank a little too much (passed out on my buddy’s couch after puking for a few hours and dry heaving) and I got my cell out and texted lots of people on my contact list. Lets just say I spent the next day with a very bad hangover and apologizing to my girlfriend :P
A good variation on the Corona one is to drink the neck down of a Smirnoff Ice and refill it with vodka. Sure you feel a little gay drinking Ice but it does the trick.
Your Brother in Law says
James, that was one hell of a new years. We had a blast, if I remember right you ended up in the pool. We need to do it again.
Ms. RayRay says
This was the funniest shit I’ve read in ahwile!
Oh man. I’ve made more than one apology phone call the next morning thanks to drinking without eating. Bad news.
The spiked Corona sounds interesting. I’m putting it on my list of alcohol to try.
And you are right about the straw. I do it all the time. I think it might just be that you can drink faster with the straw, because you can sit there with it in your mouth constantly, and the constant drinking keeps you from having the “gag” moments when you buy really cheap ass vodka. (you know the 10 dollar for a gallon stuff, that you drink and then end up pass out in your best friends yard after puking all night and putting out your cigarette in your eye)
Rachel K says
Well, you know, minus the lezzing out. Just thought I’d clarify.
Rachel K says
Ha! Loved this post, James. I was totally the Gatorade Girl in highschool.