:Reader Submitted By Meghan:
Editor’s note: Meghan is an avid reader of The Drunk Pirate and she submitted this great post. So great work Meghan, and if there are any of you who would like to try your hand at writing for us then by all means let us know. You can send your submissions to firstname.lastname@example.org. Be sure to keep an eye out for more of Meghan’s posts in the future.
If you don’t want to stomach Waffle House grits after a night of pounding Steel Reserve or chug 5 packets of sugar and coffee for fear of heart attack, here are some “healthier” hangover helpers. I like to be healthy although I love to go out and get completely wasted. Call me paradoxical, it’s the lifestyle I enjoy and is almost a sort of a challenge. I think if you are going to poison yourself with a shitload of Firefly Vodka, you might as well get out of the hangover rut the way nature intended.
I consider myself an expert at this. As an honor student in college working two jobs, one of which started at 5:45 and involved children, who went out every night, and wanted to keep a great ass, it was merely a survival method.
This is the panacea of hangovers. When you’re hung over you’ve lost a lot of vitamins. You can buy this stuff at Trader Joe’s in bulk, or at your local health food store or vitamin shop. Dump it in a bottle of water or a cup and just drink it. Have more than one if you want. It looks weird but it doesn’t taste like crystal light I promise. It will replace all the vitamin C, B6 and Potassium you lost from drinking.
They even make Immune Defense ones that boost your immune system. People who work in a restaurant and bar know they get sick a lot, same goes for the customers. There are a lot of people putting their mouths on things and other people putting their mouths on other people who are putting their mouths on things. Watch your Immune system’s back, it gets completely kicked down a few notches when you drink and is also exposed to a germ battlefield.
2. Green Tea
This stuff is the shit. If you want you can add sugar, better yet honey. Soda and most of the juice bartenders use is packed with sugar. You get high, and then as you know from Pixi Sticks or their evil twin, crack cocaine, you crash and burn. Having a small pick me up in the morning might work the same way as the hair of the dog trick, but with sugar.
I take mine “green”. Green tea has a lot of anti-oxidants which clears you out. It doesn’t work immediately and completely clear your system, but is a good replacement for coffee, if you can handle it. It settles your stomach and wakes you up. Caffeine makes things worse, dehydrates you, and green tea has just enough to wake you up a bit, though I wouldn’t recommend it for the heavy coffee drinker. If you want to get really technical and go to your local Tealuxe, get the Japanese Sencha with a pinch of Yerba Mate.
This should be at the top, this is the golden rule. The other guys said it was too obvious to mention, but there are a lot of stupid people out there, so let me explain why you should drink water. (Not why people are stupid) Alcohol is super sugar. It just sucks all the water out of you. Ever hear someone tell you to drink a glass of water when you have a headache? Works the same here. Drink it all day. As you will see in the prevention section it is key to being a healthy, cool and hydrated boozehound.
Water is also important to preventing a hangover. Drink a glass of water in-between drinks (no ice so it is easier to chug and faster to receive from the bartender, it also makes it look like you know what you are doing, guaranteed not to be given the I don’t think I should serve you anymore eye from the bartender) – Not that you can really remember to do that after your 3rd Jager bomb, but try to make it a habit. Guaranteed to loosen up the hangover. This is a also a useful tip for people who are trying to lose weight or not get the late night ‘let’s order two Meat Lover’s pizzas at 3am what do you mean you’re not open what do we have in the fridge FunYuns and Spaghettio’s and left over Chinese lets just mix them all together” munchies.
DON’T TAKE ASPIRIN, DON’T TAKE TYLENOL – Most of it contains acetaminophen which is a liver damaging compound. Sure, one isn’t going to kill you, but it is really bad for you. Those of you who have been injured know that you are prescribed Motrin or Advil in those big 800mg horse pills called Ibuprofen. You get them when you strain a muscle, right? Ibuprofen helps to un-inflame muscles and kind of works the same way with hangovers. Your muscles hold in a lot of the toxins that you poison yourself with. I am supposing this helps by relaxing them. Stick to those. Take it at night if you aren’t puking-in-the-sink-drunk with a big glass of water, or when you wake up at the crack of dawn and have to whiz, take it then and go back to bed.
5. Have sex
Why not? Hopefully your night was a success and you are waking up next to someone else. When you drink you stuff yourself with toxins. Sex is a wonderful for of cardio exercise and makes you feel good. Alcohol is also a depressant. Sex, more specifically, orgasm, releases all those little endorphins that make you feel good about yourself. If you completely struck out last night, masturbate.
6. Hair of the Dog
This is such an old trick it has a weird, almost disgusting name to it. What it means though is a shot of booze. It also means taking a hair from a rabid dog that bit you to cure the rabies that is festering in the wound. Anyhow, this is for the star-athlete boozers, the people who’ve got withdrawal symptoms from drinking too heavily. Your body is hurting from lack of more booze consumption. Take shot of something strong like that White Lightning you’ve been hiding in the freezer. You might throw up but that’s ok. It will stop the shakes.
7. Eat a salad
Vitamins, can’t stress it enough. Or have a banana. Banana’s are high in potassium and that is a major vitamin you lose when you get trashed. There is no fucking way in hell I could even think of looking at something that resembled General Tso’s chicken when I’m hung over. If I am going to get a bacon omelet I know I am going to puke immediately after it. I like a nice sandwich with a bunch of veggies. Here’s some to include in your hangover salad that contain lots of vitamins you lose when drunk and anti-oxidants.
– Cranberries (dried, normal ones are gross on a salad, I don’t know why you would do that)
– Oranges, tangerines, citrus fruits.
– Black Beans
Eat some bread on the side to soak up the poison. It is also good to use your imagination when hung over and imagining a piece of bread really does soak up the poison.
Aw, does your tummy hurt? I recommend ginger, straight up, like those slices that come with the sushi at the supermarket? That’s ginger, usually pickled. They also make ginger tea, it smells awesome. Mint also helps. It soothes and helps prevent nausea instead of Zantac or whatever, that just reduces acid. What is better to do with a hangover than get really stoned, drink some ginger tea and play some Nintendo? Ginger and Mint will also clear up your throat if you smoked way too many of that drunk girl’s Newport’s and your throat is on fire.
9. Bloody Mary
Make sure they give them with the celery. You get your fructose, your vitamins from the tomato juice and a little bit of spice to help clear the sinuses.
Nothing is more holistic than doing nothing at all. Your body will eventually filter out all the bad stuff on its own. Either that or you’ll basically die a slow and painful death. So why be awake for it? Get up, drink a glass of water and get your ass back in bed. Come 3 or 4pm your body will have fixed itself and you’ll wake up feeling right as rain and ready start drinking again.
Cheers! – Meghan