Last night my wife sent me on one of her crazy pregnant woman missions for one of Burger King’s new Icees. I reluctantly put on my flip-flops, got in the car, and drove to BK only to discover their Icee machine was broken and that The King has now decided to sell ribs. Yes. Ribs. And you get them in a french fry container.
I had come this far and there was no way I was going back home without some sort of fruity, frozen beverage. Luckily there was a gas station next door that had an Icee machine. I figured since I was at the store anyway I might as well pick up a 24oz Steel Reserve.
I opened the cooler door and went to grab the next lucky contestant on “Let’s Get Crunk Tonight!” when I saw it……Jungle Joose. 24oz of 9.9% ABV Premium Malt Beverage. Somewhere, a lone tear rolled down a drunk hobo’s cheek.
I had heard of Jungle Joose through the comments section of my last post about regular Joose, but I had never seen one. Jungle Joose is kind of like a Florida Panther. You hear stories about it, but you never actually get to see one in the wild.
Despite the fact it was twice as expensive as the $1.39 Steel Reserve, I grabbed it, made a quick stop at the Icee machine and headed for the register. The cashier gave me an all to familiar look and asked, “You actually drink this stuff?”
“Yes I do,” I replied, “So other people don’t have to.”
I got home, stuck it in the fridge and took a shower. I messed around for about half an hour before I decided it was time to get on with the show. I pulled my vintage A&W Dog n’ Suds mug out of the freezer, grabbed the can out of the fridge and sat them both on the counter.
I really didn’t know what to expect when I popped the can open and began to pour, but I definitely didn’t expect what came out. Granted, the can is covered in skulls and vintage looking tattoo art but still, there should be a warning on the label. The color can only be described as fluorescent green antifreeze mixed with green Kool Aid. From 5 feet away my wife said she could smell it. So could I.
I had come this far and spent nearly $3 of my hard earned money. I was going to drink this entire can.
The first sip tasted just like it looked. Flourescent green with an Aquanet Hairspray aftertaste. I’m pretty sure it instantaneously removed a layer of enamel from my teeth. About 3/4 of the way through the can I found the silver lining to my latest ill advised purchase. I was buzzing like a mad man.
Apparently when you add caffeine, Ginseng, Taurine and a few industrial chemicals to a high-gravity malt beverage you get pretty drunk pretty fast. And you’re wide awake at midnight on a Monday and start calling Nathan to tell him about all the cool new ideas you have for the site.
Would I ever buy Jungle Joose on a regular basis? Probably not. i like my stomach lining right where it is thank you. Would I encourage anyone else to try it? Heck yes. Drinking a can of this stuff at least once is like having relations with a fat, ugly girl you dragged home from the bar. You knew you didn’t want to do it at first, but the more you drank, the better it got and at least you’d have a good story to tell.