If there was ever anything you need to know how to win, a fight is one of them. Especially a bar fight. Yes, Jim Beam has gotten my nose broken and knuckles skinned on more than one occasion. However, I know enough about bar fights to know that experience breeds expertise. I’ve been in a few brawls and probably instigated my fair share. But I’m no expert. When it comes to something as crucial as knowing not only how to NOT get your ass kicked, but how to kick some ass I consult the expert. Jeff.
Jeff and I have been friends since we were 12. He’s probably the most likable guy in the world. He doesn’t go out at night looking for trouble. But if you fuck with Jeff, he will fight you. So I asked him to recount all of the bar fights he’s ever been in and give me 10 tips on how to win a bar fight. Here’s what he said.
First of all, Jeff says it’s better to stay out of any fight. Offer to buy someone that’s pissed off a beer, if that doesn’t work, proceed to the list.
1. Fight someone drunker than you are. If your drunker than your opponent, you better be a bad ass who doesn’t need this list.
2. Always hit FIRST. If you knock the guy out, the fight’s over.
3. Always have a wing man, preferably one level behind your opponents friends so he can surprise them with a hay-maker to the side of the face if necessary.
4. Always have your back to a wall, or stay back to back with your wingman. Being G-stomped in the middle of a circle SUCKS
5. Headbutts WORK. When face to face with a douche bag, your forehead is harder than his nose, TRUST ME.
6. Swing before you talk shit, by the time he says he’s gonna kick your ass, you could have already kicked his. (See #2)
7. Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight, if you have to use a weapon, find a better one than your opponent has.
8. This is not the UFC. There are no rules. The only rule is to win and everything goes. Bite his ear off if you have to.
9. Misdirection works. I’ve seen more than one fight won by simply looking up, or pointing behind someone and then swinging for the fences.
10. Get the hell out of Dodge. The cops ARE coming.
Where ever the head goes, the body will follow. I would think on the ground would be the best place to put someone’s head.
If they are wearing a hoodie…the old hockey trick works everytime…over the head and their arms are tied up….swing, batter, swing…
Stroke his inner thigh lovingly.
Quickly reach down and grap the bottom of his jeans and pull forward and up in a fast quick motion. However, if he absolutely doesn’t break his fall at all and it is outside on say…concrete, he might hit his head so hard you’ll be looking at a murder charge…..
Can’t we all just get along?
Allways hit first (with a bottle if u have it on your hand)… and then pee on his face
Dan Says:
December 17th, 2008 at 11:54 am
Shit on his head
Shit on his head
Always strike first is the best one on this list. Remember a hook to the corner of the jaw will knock your opponent out unless you hit like a pussy. DONT telegraph the punch. Too many popped collar assholes either go into a boxing stance and then swing, or wind up for days before swinging. Just pull from your hip up and then straight across and catch him in the jaw….game over. Another big rule…DONT LET HIM UP! kick him in the gut when he is down or at least make sure you are nowhere around when he gets up. NEVER UNDER-ESTIMATE THE EYE GOUGE! This is a great defense and you dont look like a pussy if you make it look like a mistake. In case you dont know how to fight and cant get out of a situation, poke them right in the eye, hard and quickly. They will keel over and cover their face….then its open season. Swing for the fences and make sure he gets knocked down.
The throw a fake hand strike towards their face to get them to bring their hands up and move back, then kicking them in the balls usually is a good one.