Burger King Fire-Grilled Ribs

I honestly don’t know where to start with Burger King’s new Fire-Grilled Ribs. Yes, I know this is a drinking blog, but these ribs are just the kind of thing that would prey on drunkards at two in the morning. I have to watch out for you guys.

My run-in with these bastard children of the BBQ world began the other night when my wife sent me on a pregnant craving run to Burger King. Yes, this was the same night their slushie machine was busted and I ended up going to the gas station next door and finding Jungle Joose.

Anyway, as I pulled away from the Burger King drive-through I noticed a sign touting the new ribs with a picture that clearly showed longish looking ribs poking out of what appeared to be a modified french fry holder. Since it was late and I had already eaten, I decided I would come back another time to sample the King’s rib fare.

A few days later I found myself driving by Burger King and decided there was no time like the present. I maneuvered through the archaic drive-through and placed my $6.95 order for the rib value meal. At this point, I’d like to point out that less than 100 yards away I could have gone to Sonny’s and had all-you-can-eat ribs for $10. Superb ribs.

I got home and emptied the contents of the bag onto my kitchen table. I was very curious however to find this small black box in place of the modified french fry holder I’d seen in the picture. This couldn’t be good because there was no way in hell even a single rib could fit in the box.

Words can’t describe the mind numbing fury, disappointment, betrayal and disbelief I felt as I opened the box. Goddamn riblets. The same kind I used to jockey from table to table on Tuesday nights at Applebee’s. Except these didn’t look as good as the one’s from Applebees. And the assholes didn’t give me any sauce.

But as always I figured what the hell and dumped the “ribs” out of the box. Just out of curiosity I lined them up end to end to see how many “actual” ribs they would make. The answer? TWO. That’s right. For nearly $7 I got 2 ribs, a medium coke, and a medium half-filled fry container.

I figured I had come this far, so I might as well eat them. That’s when I discovered absolute proof that the Burger King R&D department is staffed by a bunch of potheads. Besides the fact someone at BK thought it would be a good idea to sell “ribs” at a burger joint, these things taste like shit.

The only way I can describe the flavor is Teryaki beef jerky. It’s as if the stoners in R&D decided to make some jerky but all they had was Teryaki sauce and ribs. The ribs wouldn’t fit in the dehydrator, so they cut them up, doused them in Teryaki, and put them in.

Then sometime that night the power went out and the poorly marinated, half dehydrated, hacked-up ribs sat in the vessel only to be found the next morning by some middle management marketing goon who wanted to make a name for himself.

At least that’s how I think it went down.

So in conclusion, stay the hell away from these “ribs.” They suck, they taste bad, and they’re expensive for what they are.