If you’re like me and you actually pay attention to shit that’s going on in the world, you’ve probably noticed there’s a lot of stuff going around about High Fructose Corn Syrup. You know the commercials. Mom A scolds mom B at a party for giving the kids some purple stuff with HFCS in it and asks her doesn’t she know what “they” say about that stuff and that it’s bad for you. Mom B condescendingly replies, “Oh really? Why.” Thus making mom A look like the dumb ass.
There’s a whole series of these commercials that go along with an entire PR campaign touting new research that says HFCS isn’t bad for you. Well guess what kids, those studies are conducted by the people who make and promote HFCS. However, they’re right. High Fructose Corn Syrup isn’t bad for you. But it’s not good for you either unless of course you’re a drinker. HFCS by itself isn’t bad for you meaning it doesn’t make you fat by eating it. You can eat a whole barrel of the stuff and not gain anywhere near the weight you would with the same amount of sugar. It makes you a fat ass because of how much you are able to eat because of a chemical reaction HFCS has in your brain. Let me explain.
Have you ever wondered why your 10-year-old cousin can drink a gallon of Coke Classic in one sitting without getting full? Or why competitive eaters drink warm Coke during competition? Hight Fructose Corn Syrup blocks the chemical in your brain that tells you you’re full and to stop eating. No bullshit. That’s why sports drinks like Gatorade are made with it. It allows athletes to take in more fluid than normal, thus hydrating their bodies faster. So if you want to be able to take the Belly Buster Challenge down at the Texas Road House and eat a 40oz sirloin in under an hour, just be sure to drink a Coke or any other drink made with HFCS whilst doing so.
So no, High Fructose Corn Syrup isn’t bad for you by itself. But it is definitely one of the reasons Disney had to reinforce the “It’s a Small World,” ride to keep it from bottoming out when loaded down with fat tourists. That ride is more than 50-years-old by the way and has never had the bottoming out issue until recently.
So now we come to the point of all I’ve just told you. How is High Fructose Corn Syrup good for you, the drinker? Well like I said, it blocks the chemical in your brain that tells you you’re full. So logic would tell us if you mix your liquor with something made with High Fructose Corn Syrup, you’ll be able to drink more than normal. This is part of the reason the Parrot Bay and Gatorade concoction works so efficiently. Just think of this as The Drunk Pirate’s way of helping you cope with the holidays:)
Today’s post was brought to you by Bacardi and Coke. Actually 3 Bacardi and Cokes.