The 5 Most Fattening Alcoholic Drinks Ever


This is another installment by our guest blogger Meghan Chiampa. As soon as we get off our asses we’re planning on getting her a log in so she can become a normal contributing writer. What can I say? Nathan’s lazy:) You can check out more of Meghan’s work at her own blog here

Believe it or not, most alcoholic drinks are very unhealthy. However, some are worse than others. Many drinks will do little more than give you some nice padding that will slowly seep out of the tops of your favorite hip-huggers. Other drinks, if taken to the extreme, will basically liquefy your liver over time. That’s one of the reasons it pains me to write this list because I absolutely adore some of these evil little bastards.

1 Milk and Crème Drinks – Despite what Dude Lebowski says, beware of the White Russians, Mai Tais and Pina Coladas. Frankly I don’t know why anyone would want to mix milk and alcohol. I hate it for a personal reason that takes me back to when I was 15 and was chasing vodka with milk at a friend’s and puked all over her garage and then passed out on a mattress that a homeless person wouldn’t have slept on.

Most bars use Whole Milk which is very fattening. I don’t have to go into detail on this one. You should know better. Chocotinis in my opinion are the stupidest thing ever invented. I doubt they give you a buzz and on top of that they are full of fat and calories. What’s the point? You’d be better off eating a Milky Way and taking a shot of Glenlivet.

2 Jagerbombs and any other Red Bull cocktail – This is one that pains me to write because I love Jagermeiseter especially if it is shot with a Red Bull. One Jagerbomb alone has 200 calories. They even make custom glasses for this occasion. A mix of uppers and downers, Red Bull cocktails are mini-speedballs. This is hard on the heart and the amount of sugar and carbs in the drink is just not a good idea. But, man they’re fun.

3 Beer – Sorry guys, it’s not a gas tank for your love machine. It’s a Beer Belly. Most beers average around 175 calories a beer. The good ones – like high gravity beers – range from 220-260. Yikes. Sadly, the IPAs and Stouts are up there. But again, with a higher buzz, you get some extra calories. With beer, I don’t really care. I love it so much it’s hard. So, I only drink it on special occasions, like Saturdays or Fridays. And Guinness it turns out is good for you. It only carries 125 calories on draught. Try to even it out, get your favorite double IPA “black and tanned” with a Guinness.

4 Long Island Ice Teas – Ok. This is my favorite cocktail. Why? It has 5 different types of booze in it. How many calories? An ass-jiggling 780. How many carbs? 44. Yipes. I was very saddened to find that one out. That’s pretty much a cheeseburger.

Now, I will defend the Long Island and also point out why it isn’t the best if you are dieting. You never really have more than one unless you are already a big person or drunk or both. The bartenders put this crap called “sour mix” or “limeade” in the Long Island which I hate. This is also found in other drinks, like the grape crush and usually house drinks. I tend to stay away from the “sour mix” which as far as I know is sugar with lemonade mix added to it. Try if you can to get the bartender to sub the sour mix for more coke, or real ice tea. You can also sub lemon juice if you know what you are doing. But if you are going to be a picky person about a 5 booze drink on a Friday night the bartender might not want to serve you another. It’s hard to sub a drink like this.

The Long Island is a lot like a cheeseburger. Completely awesome, but you can’t indulge or you won’t be able to fit into your skinny pants. There is also that limeade shit in Margaritas which means they are also high in calories.

5 Food – I know this isn’t a drink, but I can’t stand to bash booze anymore. And I think we all know, if you are reading this blog, one of the banes of a night of drinking is eating a shitload of your roommates cheetos when you get home and chasing it with sweet potato fries. Also, at the bar they entice you with the “bar menu” or some crap which is all fried, Bar-B-Qued or battered something. No good, especially if you are drinking one of those Cheeseburger Ice Teas already. To curb the booze created munchies, I suggest eating beforehand. Eat lots of veggies, a big salad and a sandwich to prepare for your hangover in the morning. If your friends order the beer battered bbq turkey wings, go up on the dance floor while they chow down.


  1. benbob says

    You actually can make your own sour mix at home. :D If you’re ever making cocktails at home, you’ve probably made a simple syrup: 2 parts sugar 1 part water (by volume) and the juice of a few lemons or limes. Pretty tasty and the store bought “sour mix” ingredients list probably reads something like: water, high fructose corn syrup, citric acid, sodium benzoate (or other random preservative).


  2. chew says

    It seems like lately there haven’t been many posts to the blog, or at least it has been relatively infrequent compared to before. I look forward to reading the posts, so I hope things start to pick back up again.

  3. says

    I do the job with these dogs and as far as animal behavior goes, I am a strong believer in nurture and instruction. I have met Jack Russell Terriers that I wouldn’t go in close proximity to again, but have never had a poor knowledge with an American Staffordshire Terrier. If you’re talking about their owners- nicely, which is a diverse story. People are animals as well, and we often every have our individual tips about “moral concepts”.

  4. Susan Zalinski says

    You say, “Many drinks will do little more than give you some nice padding that will slowly seep out of the tops of your favorite hip-huggers. ”

    Hey, I love the thought. Hip huggers are dull when there’s no muffin top above them.

  5. says

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    during lunch break. I enjoy the information you provide here and can’t wait to take a look when I
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  6. sarah says

    No matter how much I read I still can’t find the bit where it says yes red wine is very healthy and does not affect the size of your waistline one bit. I will keep reading


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