The Drunk Pirate

For most of my life I’ve been able to maintain a relatively good physique by eating and drinking whatever I wanted just as long as I made a concerted effort to go to the gym at least twice a week. Most of my life.

As my early twenties became my late twenties, I began to notice I was buying my pants and shorts on different racks than before. 32′s gave way to 34′s and by the time I was 30 I was in a 36″ waist. WTF? I hadn’t changed the way I did anything in more than 10 years.

Several months ago – at nearly 32-years-old -  I had what most alcoholics refer to as a moment of clarity. My body was changing the way it processed everything I put into it as my metabolism began to slow. It had also begun to view my half-hearted attempts in the gym with a  general malaise matched only by Stephen Hawking if he were to watch a 5th-grade algebra lecture.
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A few months ago my buddy Jeremy and I made it a mission to find a bar we could call our own. We’re both graduates of the University of Florida and if there’s one thing college taught us, it’s having a place to knock a few cold ones back on Friday night is a requirement. By the way, Jeremy is the one who introduced The Drunk Pirate to Firefly vodka for all you fans out there. But I digress.

If you’ve read my Top 15 Ways to Save Money When Going Out, then you know that finding and building a solid relationship with your bartender is the key to strong drinks and prompt service all night. Well, following my guidelines we have indeed solidified ourselves as regulars and now enjoy some of the strongest, longest lasting drinks at the bar thanks to our two oh-so-favorite bartenders Matt and Meredith. Our recent accomplishment has convinced me that people need to know more about the people that put the happy in happy hour. Here are some answers to frequently asked bartender questions.

What tricks do bartenders use to cheat lousy customers?

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It was a Saturday in late September 2008. I had several people over to watch Florida stomp whom ever they were playing as usual, and Nathan and Rachel were two hours late. As usual. I think there was an issue with Rachel’s jeans or something. I can’t really recall.

What I can recall is when Nathan finally arrived, we made our way to Springhill Liquors – My favorite liquor store in the whole world. The reason it’s my favorite, as I believe I’ve mentioned before, is because the owner will mark really expensive bottles of whatever down by as much as 50 percent just to move them or get people to try them. This is how I found jewels like Zaya Gran Reserva Rum and Sonnema Herb Vodka.

As we walked down the isles we discussed the possibilities each bargain-priced bottle of affluence held for the night. We were looking for something unique. Something neither of us had ever tried before. Then we saw it.
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Had this come through one of my RSS feeds today. Haven’t tried their liquor yet, but I’m always a fan of free stuff. This company has received quite a bit of coverage on design blogs thanks to their snazzy bottles, labels, media kit, and such. If you’re interested, just fill out the form on their Web site and they’ll send you a free poster. Make sure you mention you saw this on The Drunk Pirate in the comments section of their form—maybe they’ll send us one of those sweet press kits and a bottle to review on the site.

Popularity: 7% [?]

So I did a lot of writing, editing and made several grandiose claims thanks largely in part to Four Loko Orange Blend. If tonight were a Sesame Street episode it would be brought to you by the letter drunk.

I’ve tasted the watermelon-flavored Four Loko and it tasted almost completely, but not entirely unlike pink battery acid. The Four Loko orange blend however, tastes a little more like a reputable street cleaner worth spending your money on.

It’s a little lighter with not so much of the bite as its pink whore of a sister counterpart. It actually tastes a lot like Sunkist with some vodka or 151 mixed in it. Which is great if you’re into that kind of internal S&M liver-destroying thing.
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Popularity: 5% [?]