If there was ever anything you need to know how to win, a fight is one of them. Especially a bar fight. Yes, Jim Beam has gotten my nose broken and knuckles skinned on more than one occasion. However, I know enough about bar fights to know that experience breeds expertise. I’ve been in a few brawls and probably instigated my fair share. But I’m no expert. When it comes to something as crucial as knowing not only how to NOT get your ass kicked, but how to kick some ass I consult the expert. Jeff.
Jeff and I have been friends since we were 12. He’s probably the most likable guy in the world. He doesn’t go out at night looking for trouble. But if you fuck with Jeff, he will fight you. So I asked him to recount all of the bar fights he’s ever been in and give me 10 tips on how to win a bar fight. Here’s what he said.
First of all, Jeff says it’s better to stay out of any fight. Offer to buy someone that’s pissed off a beer, if that doesn’t work, proceed to the list.
1. Fight someone drunker than you are. If your drunker than your opponent, you better be a bad ass who doesn’t need this list.
2. Always hit FIRST. If you knock the guy out, the fight’s over.
3. Always have a wing man, preferably one level behind your opponents friends so he can surprise them with a hay-maker to the side of the face if necessary.
4. Always have your back to a wall, or stay back to back with your wingman. Being G-stomped in the middle of a circle SUCKS
5. Headbutts WORK. When face to face with a douche bag, your forehead is harder than his nose, TRUST ME.
6. Swing before you talk shit, by the time he says he’s gonna kick your ass, you could have already kicked his. (See #2)
7. Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight, if you have to use a weapon, find a better one than your opponent has.
8. This is not the UFC. There are no rules. The only rule is to win and everything goes. Bite his ear off if you have to.
9. Misdirection works. I’ve seen more than one fight won by simply looking up, or pointing behind someone and then swinging for the fences.
10. Get the hell out of Dodge. The cops ARE coming.