On Jan. 5, 1914, Henry Ford, head of the Ford Motor Company, introduced a minimum wage scale of $5 per day. So when you get off work today, go to the store and buy $5 worth of cheap booze and reminece about when Ford was a great company run by a great man.

So here I am, somewhere around the 2 a.m. hour, watching Youtube videos of the late, great Hunter S. Thompson, listening to Warren Zevon and finishing off my handle of Saint Brendan’s Irish Cream Liqueur. Sure it’s not as manly or cool as a trunk full of grass, seventy-five pellets of mescaline, five sheets of high-powered blotter acid, a salt shaker half full of cocaine, and a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, laughers . . . and also a quart of tequila, a quart of rum, a case of Budweiser, a pint of raw ether and two dozen amyls. But hey, that’s okay. It’s getting me buzzed, and at the moment that’s good enough.

It’s funny because the handle has been sitting on top of the fridge for several months now. Actually, it’s not really funny, just relevant in so far as it’s been a slow process in ridding myself of the giant bottle of Irish cream as it sat collecting dust next to the frosted flakes. I originally purchased it in my search for a cheaper alternative to Amarula Cream Liqueur. And even though it’s not too far off, it’s definitely no Amarula. When drinking it straight like Amarula, it’s too sweet and milky for my taste—the obvious difference being it’s made with milk and Irish whiskey instead of fruit.

But if you’re looking for something besides Baileys to put in your coffee, then you might be in luck. Saint Brendan’s works great in hot, frozen, mixed and dessert drinks—and apparently in martini’s as referenced from their Web site. I should mention that my girlfriend wasn’t a fan no matter what we put it in and said it made her not want to kiss me when I had been drinking it. But hey, for the price I definitely wasn’t disappointed. Then again for the price, free beer doesn’t disappoint either. Either way, if you’re looking for a cream liqueur this will get the job done at a good price.

There’s absolutely no place like Florida in the dead of winter. I mean honestly, who doesn’t love mowing their lawn in late December? I spent all day Sunday working up a good sweat while trying out my new backpack leaf blower. Once I finished the migrant worker routine, I fired up the grill and cracked open an Abita Turbodog. Turbodog wasn’t quite what I had expected.

I’ve been seeing Turbodog on tap at different bars here and there but had never ordered one. I had seen Turbodog at the grocery store, but until Sunday had never bought any. The package said it was an ale so I figured it would be the perfect thing to cool me down after working in the yard on a hot winter day. Abita Turbodog tastes more like a good stout suited better for cold winter nights sitting around a fire. I felt like a guy who takes a hot chick home from a bar only to find out post BJ she was a dude.

Now don’t get me wrong, this is a great tasting beer. Turbodog is full-bodied with really great flavor. It goes great with steak and potatoes and according to the website goes great with wild game and smoked fish. However, it’s not a beer I could drink a lot of in one sitting and the price is a little steep.

Okay, so it’s not exactly a street racer, but wow that thing is fast! I can only imagine how drunk that guy must be to make a pass on another vehicle while riding a beer cooler. Or how drunk you must feel when you get passed by a guy on a beer cooler…

So today is New Year’s Eve. Or is it tonight? Either way, one thing that is absolutely certain is that millions of people are going to get shitfaced and be reading my best hangover cures post tomorrow. If you’re one of the few lucky people who get to have all your friends over for a New Year’s shin-dig, then another thing is certain. It happens at every party I go to every year. At about 11:55 the host, or the most sober person, runs around in a futile attempt to make sure everyone has a glass of champagne to drink at midnight.

The pain in the ass is that any time you fill a drunk person’s glass with anything that resembles alcohol, they promtly drink it. Drunks don’t respect the lone organizer. so the trick is to make the distributing of the champagne an event. You have to create a spectacle worthy of the drunk horde’s attention. You have to make them WANT to be a part of the toast. If you succeed, they will follow your rules. THe best way to do this is to create a champagne fountain. Next to a KY wrestling match this is the most beautiful thing a drunk has ever seen. Here’s a video on how to make the perfect champagne fountain. Oh, and my champagne of choice is Ballatore Gran Spumante. It tastes great and cost about $6 at any grocery store.

On Dec. 29, 2006 Saddam Hussein was executed for being an asshole to humanity. Normally when talking about someone’s death I would say to be sure and pour out a little liquor for a fallen homie, but I wouldn’t waste a single drop of Colt 45 on Saddam. I hope this asshole is having fun in Hell.

So here’s your first Drunk Pirate reason to drink of the day.

On this day in 1978, porn star Alexis Amore was born. So tonight, be sure to buy a bottle of Jack Daniels and help her celebrate her 30th birthday.

We all have one on our list. Some us have two or three. If you’re James, you are this person. It’s the drinker on your holiday shopping list.

Sure, there are hundreds of gift-giving sites covering everything from the “hiker” to the “biker” and everyone (but the drinker) in between. But for those stumped on what to give your inebriated spouse, friend or relative, let us help you out.

1. Obama Yes We Can Opener

Buy It

Yes you can afford this amazing breakthrough in can opening technology. Guaranteed to open cans and spite Republicans everywhere in one swift easy motion, this little stocking stuffer is a steal at just $5.99.

2. The Beer Pager

Buy It

We’ve all been there. One minute you and your beer are two companions living the high life. Next thing you know the damn thing up and disappears on you. Then you find that wounded soldier sitting in the flower pot the next morning. Sure it still tastes good when you drink it down, but why did it have to go down like that. Well it doesn’t. Enter Beer Pager. No more abandoned, orphaned or misplaced beers for you. Just drink, lose beer, push remote and follow signal to glory.

3. Gin and Titonic Ice Cube Tray

Buy It

Yes, I’m aware all these gifts are from Stupid.com. Is that going to stop me from writing about the Gin and Titonic? No, absolutely not. Never did ice melting in your glass seem so tragic as it does with the Gin and Titonic. Now maybe those slow drinkers out there will have a bit of motivation to the tune of saving the Titanic and your drink from being watered down.

4. Alcohol

Congratulations. Welcome to the only thing on this list actually worth buying for that serious drinker on your list. Sure, I put together a few items in a nice little list for you to read through. But get real. If you show up with a “Yes we can” can opener from Stupid.com, I would probably reevaluate my reasons for being friends with you. And if we’re family, well that would be downright wrong.

I come from a huge family on my mom’s side. When I was younger the numbers were still pretty manageable, so everybody bought gifts for each other. However, my mom is 1 of 8 children and over the years all of her brothers and sisters have had kids and all of those kids got married and had kids. Now when the holidays roll around there’s anywhere from 30 to 50 adults and God knows how many little kids. Yes, we’re the redneck version of the Duggars. A few years ago the Elders (my aunts) got together and decided that trying to buy for everyone would basically put everyone in the poor house. That was the year we started playing Chinese Christmas.

Now I’ve heard it called several things in addition to Chinese Christmas like White Elephant Christmas or Indian Christmas. As with the different names, there are several different ways to play it. So here’s what I’m going to do to make your next family, or friends, Christmas party a whole hell of a lot more fun. I’m going to tell you the proper rules to Chinese Christmas - The Drunk Pirate Rules.

First, everyone has to bring a gift. It’s best to set a limit of about $20 s everyone can afford to play. It’s also a good rule of thumb to buy something you would actually want like Apples to Apples. Next put a number in a hat for every person who’s there. Everyone then draws a number to determine their order. Now you have to make sure you have a shot glass and a bottle of Black Velvet. (Canadian whiskey is perfect for the holidays)

Whenever it’s someone’s turn, they have to pick a present and take a shot. After opening the present they can chose to keep it or trade it for someone else’s present. If they chose to trade with someone else, they and the person they are trading with, must both take a shot. Now it’s pretty obvious that the person who goes first gets screwed and the person who goes last gets their pick of the best gift. So what we normally do is let the person who picked number 1 go again at the end. But in Drunk Pirate rules they can either choose to go again, or make everyone take one last shot all together.

So the Gators are playing the Sooners in the FedEx BCS National Championship game in Miami. And guess what? Unless you know somebody who knows somebody, it’s probably safe to say you can’t get tickets or a hotel room. Nope. You’ll have to settle for watching Tim Tebow and the Gators dismantle Oklahoma on the big screen at your local T.G.I. Fridays. That is of course, you know somebody who knows somebody who knows a guy with some BCS Championship tickets he’s giving away. Funny thing is that you do. And the tickets are free.

Gatorsportsfloors.com is giving away 2 FREE tickets to the FedEx BCS National Championship in Miami on Jan 8th 2009. They’re also throwing in 2 nights at the Hilton in Miami. Just go to the Gator Sports Floors Contest page and click on the contest entry button. All you have to do is share the contest with at least 2 people via the social notes application (really cool and easy little app.) and then fill out the entry form. That’s it. No purchase necessary and no strings attached. They’re also giving away 2 of their DIY sports floor kits to the 2nd and 3rd place winners. The winners will be chosen at random by the Gainesville Chamber of Commerce on Jan. 5, 2009.