The Drunk Pirate

Ok so I missed a few days already. Sue me. I promise I wasn’t just being lazy. I’ve been doing all sorts of shit the past few days. I’ve been taking down Christmas decorations, going to parties, drinking and making beer. That’s right, making beer. But I digress. Here’s the first Drunk Pirate reason to drink of 2009.

On Jan. 5, 1914, Henry Ford, head of the Ford Motor Company, introduced a minimum wage scale of $5 per day. So when you get off work today, go to the store and buy $5 worth of cheap booze and reminece about when Ford was a great company run by a great man.

Beer Cooler Street Racer

Okay, so it’s not exactly a street racer, but wow that thing is fast! I can only imagine how drunk that guy must be to make a pass on another vehicle while riding a beer cooler. Or how drunk you must feel when you get passed by a guy on a beer cooler…

So today is New Year’s Eve. Or is it tonight? Either way, one thing that is absolutely certain is that millions of people are going to get shitfaced and be reading my best hangover cures post tomorrow. If you’re one of the few lucky people who get to have all your friends over for a New Year’s shin-dig, then another thing is certain. It happens at every party I go to every year. At about 11:55 the host, or the most sober person, runs around in a futile attempt to make sure everyone has a glass of champagne to drink at midnight.

The pain in the ass is that any time you fill a drunk person’s glass with anything that resembles alcohol, they promtly drink it. Drunks don’t respect the lone organizer. so the trick is to make the distributing of the champagne an event. You have to create a spectacle worthy of the drunk horde’s attention. You have to make them WANT to be a part of the toast. If you succeed, they will follow your rules. THe best way to do this is to create a champagne fountain. Next to a KY wrestling match this is the most beautiful thing a drunk has ever seen. Here’s a video on how to make the perfect champagne fountain. Oh, and my champagne of choice is Ballatore Gran Spumante. It tastes great and cost about $6 at any grocery store.

On Dec. 29, 2006 Saddam Hussein was executed for being an asshole to humanity. Normally when talking about someone’s death I would say to be sure and pour out a little liquor for a fallen homie, but I wouldn’t waste a single drop of Colt 45 on Saddam. I hope this asshole is having fun in Hell.

Anyone who knows me knows that I don’t really need a reason to drink. However, I’ve been told that people who drink for no reason at all are called alcoholics. That’s why Nasty Nate and I have decided The Drunk Pirate New Year’s resolution is to give our readers 365 positive reasons to drink. If you suck at math, that’s one a day for the entire year. I know it’s still 2008, but it’s Monday and I wanted to get a jump on the new year with a few test posts.

So here’s your first Drunk Pirate reason to drink of the day.

On this day in 1978, porn star Alexis Amore was born. So tonight, be sure to buy a bottle of Jack Daniels and help her celebrate her 30th birthday.