First things first, this is the song I’m listening to as I write this product review. Lil’ Wayne gets me AMPED! I suggest you listen to this at high volume in a residential area whilts reading this review.

Now on to the BEARPONG review…

Nathan and I had a professor years ago at UF that always told us that if you’re going to do anything, swing for the fences and do it big. I think the crew over at BEARPONG had the same kind of professor.

Remember how much bigger everything looked like when you were a little kid? Your dad was a giant, your elementary school was the size of Rhode Island and 5th-graders were some big motherfuckers. BEARPONG is what beerpong would have looked like if we played it when we were 5-years-old.

Giant and epic in every sense of the word.

When I got the chance to get my hands on a deluxe BEARPONG kit, I jumped at the chance like a pedophile on a half-price panel van.

A Few short days after placing my order for the Deluxe kit, a non-descriptive brown package with “DO NOT USE KNIFE TO OPEN” emblazoned all over it arrived via UPS.

I carefully opened it and found much more than I expected. First of all it was heavy as shit which told me it wasn’t a bunch of cheap flower pots with some cheesy stickers on them. All 12 buckets had the BEARPONG logo embossed on them in white lettering and were all stacked neatly inside one another with two pre-inflated, over-sized pong balls nestled in the top bucket. It also came with a slick little pump for the balls and a set of play instructions.

All of this was inside a black nylon case with a heavy duty shoulder strap. I have to say, these guys did a really good job with the quality of both the kit itself and the carrying case. The only downside is that the whole package is round and sounds like a dead body rolling around in my trunk unless I wedge it in between the actual dead bodies in the trunk.

It was a while before I got a chance to break this bad mama-jamma out at an actual party, but when I did everyone went wild. Even the hard-core beer pong players we’re in Bush-era shock and awe.

The buckets are actually designed with great balance so that if you hit the rim the whole thing dumps over just like a real SOLO cup. Another great thing about this ginormous kit is that you can get creative with what you put in each bucket. You can put whole cans of Steel Reserve, cups of Four Loko, shots of Tilt and yes, you can even be an asshole and hide the occasional Smirnoff Ice in one of the buckets.

And from what I saw, BEARPONG is anyone’s game. Traditional beer pong skills don’t translate to BEARPONG. So even a professional like Nathan “Clutch” Thompson can get schooled on any given night at a game of BEARPONG.

So if you, or someone you know who you haven’t gotten a Christmas gift for yet, likes drinking games or are an absolute attention whore like me, I would highly recommend a BEARPONG kit. The Deluxe kit like I got was $65 well spent.

Here’s a link to their website. If you hurry they can get it to you by Christmas. And I have no idea whose dog that is.

Here’s some pics of the kit I got:

But perhaps the most curious thing stuck to the bone-colored facade of my official beer cellar is what looks to be a real live lime. Or at least half a real live lime anyway. No I didn’t go on a Cabo Wabo bender and Super Glue half a lime to my fridge. I’m more civilized than that. I got myself a Limer.

I know, I know. WTF is a Limer?

Well, a Limer is a half rubber lime that looks, feels and has all the characteristics of a real lime. That is if a real lime was made of rubber, had a magnet in it and could also OPEN BEER BOTTLES!

Yep. This bad boy doubles as a refrigerator magnet AND a bottle opener. The really cool thing is when you pop the top on a bottle of beer, the bottle cap actually sticks to the Limer because of the super strong magnet that’s embedded in it to make it stick to the fridge.

I’ve been using my Limer for about a month now and can honestly say that it’s one of the coolest bottle openers I’ve ever owned. There was an instance where it was leaving a sticky brown residue on the fridge, but I soon figured out that the reason was because I was spilling beer all over it and then slapping it back onto the fridge. I guess after a while the beer residue kind of built up. But other than that it’s been a really cool and novel conversation piece.

That being said, I do hereby announce that I have a few of these cool little Swiss Army Limes to give away to you guys! I’m going to give a few to those of you who have subscribed to our mailing list and a few to those of you who follow us on Twitter.  The rest of you lazy jerks have to earn yours.

To get your own Limer, just send us a pic of you opening a beer in the most creative way possible. The most creative drunk will get themselves a free Limer.

Send your submissions to James@TheDrunkPirate.com

If you’re super lazy and just want to buy your own Limer, you can visit their site for ordering information.

But as they often do, times have changed. Rent-a-cops are taught from day one to watch for terrorists threats which include young disheveled men trying to get into crowded places wearing bulky jackets and cargo pants in the middle of July. Plus, in addition to the whole “looking like a terrorist” thing, cargo pants aren’t very fashionable anymore. Nope, these days low-rise jeans and fitted shirts just don’t allow for entire liquor cabinets to be smuggled into an event. (That is of course unless the hipsters make it fashionable for guys to carry purses.)

The alternative to trying to parlay an entire liter of vodka into a club, which I outlined in “See A Movie And Get Drunk For Less Than $10,” is to go to the ABC Liquor, buy a pint of Jim Beam and hope the guy at the Ben Hill Griffin Stadium gate doesn’t notice the bulge in your pants.

But as I’ve said before, the economy sucks and it’s my job to make sure you don’t piss away you’re hard-earned drinking money. Don’t buy a $9 pint of Bacardi when you can get a whole gallon for $11 more dollars. Buy in bulk and divide that shit up like a 20lb family pack of hamburger meat from Sam’s Club.

“How do I economically divide up a bottle of liquor” you ask? Easy. Get a flask.

Now I’m not talking about going to Things Remembered in the mall and dropping $50 on a flask with your name on it. Nor am I talking about risking having your grandfather’s antique flask confiscated at the stadium because you were drunk and belligerent. Get a disposable flask.

One day Alexander Kristoff was walking through a parking lot at a football game and noticed a couple of old guys filling Ziploc bags with liquor so they could sneak them in without the risk of really actually losing anything of value if they got caught. “There’s got to be a better way,” young Alexander said to himself.

A few years and a few prototypes later, Alex filed for a patent for The Disposable Flask.

The Disposable Flask is 4 x 6 inches, holds 7.5 ounces of liquid, can be used for hot or cold liquids, comes in several different colors including pink, white, black, camo, leopard skin and several sports team colors and get this, has a screw-on/off cap so it can actually be used several times before you have to throw it away.

One really cool feature is that you can order customized flasks. If you own a business or are having an event, you can get the flasks in a specific color with just about anything printed on them. I think what I like about it most is that because it’s similar to a plastic baggie, it conforms to your pocket so you don’t have this big square bulge sticking out.

I’ve been fortunate to have a few of these to experiment with. Here’s what I did with them over the weekend:

1. I successfully got drunk watching the Transformers flick last Friday night via 2 Disposable Flasks filled with some Buffalo Trace Bourbon (more on that in another post).

2. I watched fireworks in a city park with a nice rum and coke thanks to The Disposable Flask.

3. I drank at the springs on Sunday without worrying about anyone giving me crap for having a glass bottle of Bacardi near the water.

4. Gave a coworker some Eagle Rare Bourbon (more on this later) without having to give them any container of sentimental value.

You can head over to The Disposable Flask website and order 6 flasks and 2 funnels for $9.95 plus S&H. I personally plan on stock piling these for football season.

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