The Drunk Pirate

Four Loko Fruit Punch: It will Make You Irresistable

Like a moth to the flame burned by the fire, I was drawn to the pink and red camouflaged can of Four Loko. That or I had just finished listening to Janet Jackson. Either way, I wanted to get my drink on and 12% alcohol by volume with caffeine in a 24 oz can looked like  a porn star on Rufies hiding behind a glass door at the Kangaroo gas station. (They’re website kicks ass btw)

I had heard of Four Loko from my northern-southern counterparts for some time and have been anticipating its arrival. Hell, I’ve even been interviewed by The Wall Street Journal’s alcohol division on the subject of malt liquors with caffeine in them. As a matter of fact, some of our readers were interviewed for the same article and are now famous. Seriously, they all got drunk on a Joose and Four Loko concoction and stole the bikes of every Mormon missionary on Denver.
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Popularity: 11% [?]

        

Platinum 7x Vodka: Don’t Be A Grey Goose Guido

Lets start this review by dispelling a few myths about vodka. First of all, any of you who are vodka drinkers or have been reading The Drunk Pirate on a regular basis know that good vodka doesn’t have to be expensive and just because a vodka is expensive doesn’t necessarily mean it’s good.

Take Grey Goose for example:

On more than one occasion I’ve witnessed so called “ballers” throw down $150 for a bottle of Grey Goose at a club because they equate expensive with being a good vodka. I mean it does claim the be “The Worlds Best Tasting Vodka”  right on the label.

Truth is Grey Goose consistently places near the bottom of every blind taste test it is entered into. Funny thing is it’s usually brands like $16-dollar-a-bottle Smirnoff that win.

But don’t tell that to the Guido’s in Jersey who eagerly flash Grey Goose and cheesy Zoolander poses around in order to draw attention away from their horrible hair and spray-on tans.

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Popularity: 20% [?]

        

Top 15 Ways To Save Money When Going Out

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You’re broke. I get it.

That doesn’t mean you should be sitting at home on your ass. It just means you need to get smarter when it comes to spending those limited funds. With nearly a lifetime of experience in being broke, I’ve learned a thing or two about stretching a dollar. Here I’ll try to translate that into more drunken nights on less money.

1. Find a bar and become a regular.

It is a known fact that a regular’s dollar goes further than your dollar. This doesn’t mean you have to be best friends with the bouncer or bartender. Just make sure they recognize your face—and for the right reasons. Tip well, be patient and don’t be fancy with your ordering. If you’re patient, you’ll eventually be rewarded with free and/or stronger drinks. But don’t expect this treatment every time, and don’t forget to tip even when the drinks are free.

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Popularity: 32% [?]

        

The 8 Best Hangover Cures Ever

Hangovers are proof that God has a sense of humor. A very sick and twisted sense of humor. Hopefully on my judgment day when St. Peter or whoever is showing me all the bad things I’ve done, he’ll give me credit for all the epic hangovers I’ve endured.

When I was younger I used to view hangovers as punishment, hence the reason that I used to make bargains with the Almighty that if he would just make me feel better I would never drink again. If I had a dollar for every time I tried that route I could probably put a stripper through at least one semester of college.

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Popularity: 84% [?]

        

The Beer Then Liquor Rule—Explained

The other day I was at work and overheard a conversation I’ve heard at least a hundred times in a hundred different places. The subject is one of the oldest and most misunderstood drinking rules ever. It’s mostly misunderstood because people always screw up the saying itself, which in turn sends them directly up Shit Creek without a paddle.

You’ve all head it, or variations of it, before: “Beer then liquor, never been sicker. Liquor then beer, have no fear.” This boys and girls is the correct variation of the saying.

The problem with this handy little dandy is that it doesn’t give an explanation as to why or why not one would or would not get sick for not adhering to the rule. But here’s the rub, the very people to whom this saying was meant to protect are the very ones who question it. And we all know who those people are. The college-aged Green Horns. [Editor's note: Green Horns? Nice one grandpa.]

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Popularity: 44% [?]