The Drunk Pirate

Like a moth to the flame burned by the fire, I was drawn to the pink and red camouflaged can of Four Loko. That or I had just finished listening to Janet Jackson. Either way, I wanted to get my drink on and 12% alcohol by volume with caffeine in a 24 oz can looked like  a porn star on Rufies hiding behind a glass door at the Kangaroo gas station. (They’re website kicks ass btw)

I had heard of Four Loko from my northern-southern counterparts for some time and have been anticipating its arrival. Hell, I’ve even been interviewed by The Wall Street Journal’s alcohol division on the subject of malt liquors with caffeine in them. As a matter of fact, some of our readers were interviewed for the same article and are now famous. Seriously, they all got drunk on a Joose and Four Loko concoction and stole the bikes of every Mormon missionary on Denver.

But I digress. This is a review of Four Loko Fruit Punch Flavor Premium Malt Beverage. The first thing I noticed is that it looks and smells exactly like Max Vibe. It’s pink and fruity. It even tastes similar. However, it doesn’t have the same wangey bite to it. It actually doesn’t taste almost completely unlike fruit punch. Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t anything that could be farther from the taste of actual fruit punch, but it is a reasonable facsimile. BTW this is what I’m listening to right now and it rocks. Kiss my ass.

It actually tastes like what you would get if you put a Jolly Rancher in a Zima (Remember that?),topped it off with 151 and did a line of coke off a hooker’s ass. (I am wide awake right now and wish I had a motorcycle)

Actually this stuff is GREAT! I feel like I could wrestle a gorilla. It doesn’t help that I’m listening to this either. I bet This flavor of Four Loko would be great mixed with some Smirnoff or Kettle One Vodka.

I’m not kidding. I’ve been nursing this 24oz can for almost an hour and I am buzzing like a crackhead locked in a evidence room. This stuff is definitely worth the $2.50 a can price. I think I’m going to give some for my kid and send him to my parent’s house as payback for them getting him all hopped up on candy and sending home every Sunday afternoon.

I hope I can get my hands on every flavor:)

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