I like to drink. I like to come home after a long day and sit on my back porch with a Jim Beam and Coke and watch the sun go down. I like to sit around a fire with my friends and sip on Black Velvet. I guess you could say 99 percent of the time I’m a pretty civil and responsible drinker. It’s that other one percent of the time that gets me in trouble.
Anyone who’s been drinking for any number of years has had at least one of those days…or weekends. Yep, one of those times when being a responsible and productive member of society just wasn’t on the menu that night. What WAS on the menu was getting so drunk so fast that the night started with you puking up that pizza before you could even wipe the marinara off your face from eating it. That same night ended with you passing out mid stroke on top of some Marlboro smoking bar fly who was nice enough to drive you home but as she left relieved you of your wallet and Sony Playstation as payment for you puking in her Firebird.
As ugly as these nights are, they are indeed necessary. They remind us just how much of a degenerate we can be and who our real friends are. Over the years, I’ve had several of these nights. Strangely enough they all seemed to coincide with me discovering some new fangled way to get alcohol into my body as quickly as possible. Today I’m going to share with you the tools of my self destruction. Trust me, the things on this list will get you completely bent.
As always, I swear that I have personally tried everything I am about to tell you. I must also add that all of the things you are about to read were performed by professional alcoholics or in the company of professional alcoholics. The Drunk Pirate recommends you do not try this at home.
The Beer Bong
I had my first run in with the dreaded beer bong in Mexico. The thing about a beer bong that’s dangerous is that the tendency is to take turns. If you’re in a small group chances are you’ll be funneling a Bud Light every five minutes. Do that for an hour and you’ll be drunker than Cooter Brown.
Spiked Corona
This is actually something I came up with one day hanging out by the pool. I had all this Corona one day but no limes. What I did have was a whole bottle of Bacardi Limon. Here’s how it works. Open a Corona and drink it down until the neck of the bottle is empty. Fill the neck with the Bacardi and Viola! Corona so potent the wino who lives in the alley next to your house won’t drink it. Drink a sixer of these and you’re on your way to waking up naked in your neighbor’s yard.
The Long Island Iced Tea
This drink is loathed by bartenders the world over. Mainly because none of them can remember exactly what goes in it. However, even the dumbest of bartenders knows that there’s at least 5 shots in a Long Island Iced Tea. Vodka, Tequila, Gin, Rum, Triple Sec, bitters and Coke. Yep, the gang’s all here. The trick to the long island is to get the bar tender to make it so strong you can see through it. If you follow my directions on how to tip your bartender, the Long Island Iced Tea will have you laughing at the ground in no time.
Drink Through a Straw
I have absolutely no scientific explanation for why drinking alcohol through a straw gets you drunk so fast. It just does. Now granted there’s no way in hell to look cool drinking out of a straw. But if you go to a bar and order a Jack and Coke, ask for a straw. Not the little red stirring straw that comes in in the drink, a big honkin’ McDonalds straw. Start sucking your drinks up through one of those things and you’ll be invisible in about half an hour.
Parrot Bay Rum and Gatorade
I learned about this little ditty from a couple of hood rats who used to hang around my group of friends. We’ve all known these girls. They’re the ones who show up to a party at 8pm totally hammered and totally lez out with each other by the end of the night. How the hell they came up with this drink is beyond me, but trust me when I tell you what this fruity drink lacks in alcohol content it more than makes up for in speed. The Gatorade helps the Parrot Bay make a B-line into your bloodstream thus rendering you clinically retarded in about 30 minutes.
Drink without eating
This method has been the bane of my existence on several occasions. Actually, I’d have to say this is the most common cause of drunken assholeness in America. It really doesn’t matter what you drink. Without food in your belly to soak up the alcohol, it is absorbed almost instantly by your stomach and goes straight into your bloodstream.
Be an Indian
We’ve all heard the stereotype about American Indians and their intolerance for Firewater. I’m here to tell you that it’s not a stereotype. Not that I’m Indian or anything, but I have a buddy who’s a card carrying member of the Creek Indian Tribe and when he drinks you better put away your good china. It doesn’t matter what he drinks or how much he eats before hand. My Indian buddy drinking = him breaking stuff.
Absinthe
Absinthe is probably the strangest drunk I’ve ever had. I know there’s this whole debate on what has an effect on you and why when you drink Absinthe. The last time I drank it, I found myself walking around the house at 3a.m. talking to myself. I did that for about an hour before my wife came downstairs and told me I needed to come to bed.
Tequila
Oh Jose Cuervo. You dirty little bastard. Here’s all I’m going to say about Tequila. I don’t remember much about New Years Eve 2005. What I do remember is waking up with a sore and “clicking” jaw and a wife who refused to speak to me the entire day. I’ve been banned from drinking Jose Cuervo, or any kind of tequila for that matter, since that night.
So there you have it. A few of the things that have reminded me of my caveman ancestry on more than one occasion.
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November 9th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Ha! Loved this post, James. I was totally the Gatorade Girl in highschool.
November 9th, 2008 at 10:10 pm
Well, you know, minus the lezzing out. Just thought I’d clarify.
November 16th, 2008 at 7:13 am
The spiked Corona sounds interesting. I’m putting it on my list of alcohol to try.
And you are right about the straw. I do it all the time. I think it might just be that you can drink faster with the straw, because you can sit there with it in your mouth constantly, and the constant drinking keeps you from having the “gag” moments when you buy really cheap ass vodka. (you know the 10 dollar for a gallon stuff, that you drink and then end up pass out in your best friends yard after puking all night and putting out your cigarette in your eye)
November 16th, 2008 at 10:41 pm
Oh man. I’ve made more than one apology phone call the next morning thanks to drinking without eating. Bad news.
November 28th, 2008 at 6:14 pm
This was the funniest shit I’ve read in ahwile!
December 4th, 2008 at 1:01 pm
James, that was one hell of a new years. We had a blast, if I remember right you ended up in the pool. We need to do it again.
December 14th, 2008 at 10:20 pm
A good variation on the Corona one is to drink the neck down of a Smirnoff Ice and refill it with vodka. Sure you feel a little gay drinking Ice but it does the trick.
December 30th, 2008 at 12:02 am
This is directed to everyone; when you go drink to get fucked, make sure that you turn your cell off and leave it with someone else. I was at a party a few days ago, drank a little too much (passed out on my buddy’s couch after puking for a few hours and dry heaving) and I got my cell out and texted lots of people on my contact list. Lets just say I spent the next day with a very bad hangover and apologizing to my girlfriend :P
January 26th, 2009 at 10:53 pm
Yeah, phone was stolen by a bunch of hippies around a bonfire last weekend. Phones are a big no-no when drinking…
February 16th, 2009 at 12:44 am
I am very happy that I found your blog. Keep up the good work.
February 22nd, 2009 at 12:08 am
The reason drinking through a straw helps you get drunk faster is that the massive alchohol content settles at the bottom. While I had a Long Island Iced Tea which is mostly alchohol– the shots that are in it shift around the ice, splash of coke, and sour mix, the alchohol does shift toward the bottom.
Since it settles at the bottom you get to the alchohol faster with a straw drinking from bottom to top than from traditional sipping from top to bottom.
April 15th, 2009 at 10:56 am
mike i loved it when u /fucked me in the ass with my nuts in your hand …hope you remember
August 23rd, 2009 at 7:33 pm
I don’t know what Laura was drinking but the massive alcohol content does not settle at the bottom. If anything it rises to the top. This is because alcohol has a lower density than water. The reason a straw gets you drunk faster is because it allows you to drink more alcohol faster. This is why there is an invention called the beer bong. It’s purpose is to allow you to ingest massive amounts of alcohol in a short period of time so that you get drunker quicker. Same thing with the straw it’s just on a shorter scale. If you want to get drunk fast, drink whatever Laura is drinking. It must be good stuff.
September 22nd, 2009 at 7:42 am
Similar to the potent Long Island Iced Tea, this drink ups the ante one (or more). This is a six shot concoction consisting of equal parts of vodka, triplesec, jack, yukon jack, SoCo, and peach shnapps. Add a splash of cran and 7up and shake. Top with a few cherries for fruitiness effect. You’ve just created a ‘Virus’. The phenomenon is that you’ll look up from your drink and find that many folk in your favorite watering hole have now ordered this drink. It will have successfully spread like…. A VIRUS!!
The potentcy of ‘TheVirus Method’ comes from the AAPP (amount of alcohol per pint) value and its good taste. You’ll naturally drink it faster and want more of it! There’s also an added macho factor where manly challenges are made to drink a certain number of these ‘sissy drinks’ without affect. Rookies always end up apologizing the next day for weeks following!
Once you’ve mastered ‘The Virus’, as I have, try the ‘Red Plague’. It’s a ‘regular’ Virus topped with a shot of 151 proof rum.
ENJOY, and bring a designated driver!!
January 4th, 2010 at 4:28 am
I read that the ‘straw method’ gets you drunk faster because some of the alcohol ends up in the lungs where it instantly is absorbed by the bloodstream.
March 27th, 2010 at 12:03 am
Great info, thanks for the post!
June 11th, 2010 at 6:49 pm
as i read your post i kept being reminded of myself.. only thing i havent tried was the spiked corona.. thats goin on my “to do list”.. only thing different was i owned the beer bong and id load it for ya then take one myself.. move on to the next.. at a larger party with 20-50 people.. that can make for an interesting night if you plan to bong a beer with all your buds lol personal best is 24 milwaukee best ice in 10 minutes.. half hour later your floored :D
August 13th, 2010 at 6:25 pm
Hey! Cool site, but I think I have one that gets you pissed quicker than any of those :P. When you have a mouthfull of alcohol, swish it around your mouth and then put it underneath your tongue, where all the veins are. This allows more alcohol to enter your blood. It’s best with spirits, but it sorta works with other drinks.
Paddy!!
August 19th, 2010 at 11:39 am
Right now im hammered as fuck so im suprised if u cunts can even read this post. Real good advise mate, i will try the carona thing some time soon. And i dont care what anyone thinks on whether grog stays on the bottom or top when drinking through a straw, either way it gets u smashed faster than fuck.