The Drunk Pirate

So you started pre-gaming at 5 in the afternoon and by 11:30 you had been to 2 dance clubs, Hooters and a strip club of exit 435. Now you’ve been pounding god knows what until closing time at your favorite watering hole. Then your buddies say they just heard from some girl about this after party. You decide to make like a tree and get the hell out of the bar and head to the party.

At the party you find a red SOLO cup that seems to be molded to fit your hand and have also managed to find the only girl at the party who is drunker than you are. Everything is going great and and everyone is having a blast. However,there comes a time in every party when it becomes apparent the party is indeed over. These pictures serve as a testament to this fact.

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I honestly don’t know where to start with Burger King’s new Fire-Grilled Ribs. Yes I know this is a drinking blog, but these ribs are just the kind of thing that would prey on drunkards at 2 in the morning. I have to watch out for you guys.

My run in with these bastard children of the bbq world began the other night when my wife sent me on a pregnant craving run to BK. Yes, this was the same night their Slushie machine was busted and I ended up going to the gas station next door and finding Jungle Joose.

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Ok so last night my wife sent me on one of her crazy pregnant woman missions for one of Burger King’s new Icees. I reluctantly put on my flip-flops, got in the car and drove to BK only to discover their Icee machine was broken and that The King has now decided to sell ribs. Yes. Ribs. And you get them in a french fry container.

I had come this far and there was no way in hell I was going back home without some sort of fruity, frozen beverage. Luckily there was a gas station next door that had an Icee machine. I figured since I was at the store anyway I might as well pick up a 24oz Steel Reserve.

I opened the cooler door and went to grab the next lucky contestant on “Let’s Get Crunk Tonight!” when I saw it……Jungle Joose. 24oz of 9.9% ABV Premium Malt Beverage. Somewhere, a lone tear rolled down a drunk hobo’s cheek.

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Ok. First let me say I’m sorry. I realize I’ve been as useless as tits on a boar hog when it comes to being a contributing member of the drinking society. I realize I haven’t written a single post since March. I’ve been busy. And so has Nate.

We’ve both had some other projects we’ve been working on but can now redirect our efforts back to The Drunk Pirate. Our readership has dwindled down from more than 100,000 to about 25,000 per month. Thank you to those who have stuck around. Your diligence will be rewarded.

We’ve got some good stuff lined up for you guys. We’ve been drinking our asses off and have actually been brewing our own beer. We’ve also had the pleasure of being given first tastes of several soon-to-be-released liquors.

You should also be on the lookout for a complete redesign of the site along with some freebie stuff in the newsletter (for those of you who signed up for the newsletter). We’re also going to delve into some other things like user submitted party pictures and videos. We’ve also got some great “how-to’s” coming up like “how to make your own moonshine.”

So keep us bookmarked, RSSed (is that a word?) and check back on a regular basis because TDP is about to become one bad mother f*#ker.

p.s. I’m sorry to all the beer aficianados about the summer beers post. I did it to piss off all the haters from the Rogue Dead Guy ale post.

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Ever wake up wondering where your tooth went, an unidentified crying baby in the bedroom and a live tiger in the bathroom, only to find out your best friend is missing and his awkward, sometimes creepy, future brother-in-law drugged you the night before? (Go see The Hangover people—it’s hilarious) Me either, but I have woken up to some regrettable text messages in my sent box. And now I have even more reason to worry: TFLN

It’s a site where people can text in hilarious text messages they’ve received (Posted showing area code and text only), and then let the rest of the world either congratulate or make fun of the person by voting the message as a Good Night or a Bad Night. It’s like the drunk person’s version of Fmylife.com, but without the whining.

In the meantime, I pulled a few that made me laugh.

(506): drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure

(443): so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
(914): so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though

(231): So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back… stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again

(949): I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.

(817): is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i’m hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.

(214): Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a “im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend” cake.

(304): I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.

(603): Haha she couldn’t find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??

(301): you thought that fire hydrant was a midget…you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.

(774): i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled “dibs!”…

(510): he said he didn’t have a condom.
(415): and you said?
(510): that that’s fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah – he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

(440): The ticket read “Found nude in a tree”

(512): i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

(434): why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
(540): you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

(717): hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he’s convinced the tongs he’s holding are his real hands

(720): o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

(724): also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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